Monday, March 26, 2012

...forever blue...

please let me.
start out by saying.
i realize.
there are much worse things.
that are happening.
out in this big world.
i know this to be true.
and I am sorry for those things.
i understand.
but today.
my world.
without much warning.
i've spoken of blue.
that is his story.
one i know i've recited many times.
to my patient's.
just recently, in fact,
 about a week ago.
his story ended.
we don't know why.
i got up yesterday morning.
and he did not greet me.
he is always ready to get outside.
especially when the sun is shining.
but he didn't come to me.
i made coffee.
I started the computer.
i went out and took my Sunday morning pictures.
no blue.
i went through the house looking for him.
in all the usual spots.
finally found him in big brother kiel's room.
not really wanting to interact.
i checked on him several times.
he moved from this spot to that one.
on his brother's bed.
he even came up stairs.
to lay under our bed.
another spot he likes.
but soon again, he was back in.
the comfort and quiet of.
brother's room.
he did not come up to beg.
for hamburger.
as he always does whenever i open.
the crisper drawer of the refrig.
i knew he wasn't feeling well.
i took him some water.
before i was going to head to bed.
he didn't look up at me.
i spilled the water.
knowing he would be mad at me.
he didn't care.
i cleaned it up and set the bowl in the hall.
he looked up.
when i came back in.
but quickly put his head back down.
the silence, from the absence of his purr,
was deafening.
the moment your hand touched his head.
he would always be purring.
not this time.
i got down.
close to his face.
and i told him.
that we loved him.
and that i would see him later.
he did not move.
from the way.
i left him last night.
my heart is broken.
how do you go from saturday night.
laying on my lap, fine.
to today.
i can't remember.
when i have cried so much.
remember  yesterday.
when i spoke of life.
in my post.
 about how it tries to get in the way.
i am not being strong today.
i am not putting on my happy face today.
i am not saying to anyone.
it's gonna be okay.
because today.
because at this moment.
i miss my blue bear.
and it's not okay.
and i am not going to pretend it is.
i love you blue bear.


Tammy said...

I am sorry for your loss. Blue was beautiful.

Ms. Becky said...

your heart is breaking. I had a scare with one of my kitties a few days ago. I thought it was the last ride for one of them, after 15 years together. It was a scare only, the diagnosis was an infection. but the scare made me whisper "I could have loved her better" while I waited for results. today I love her best. I know my heart will break one day too. I just hope it isn't tomorrow. Or the day after that. Sending you hugs Robin. you wrote a beautiful tribute to your dear kitty Blue.

Enchanted Moments said...

Beautiful pets that pass leave such a hole in the family...they are family....its like a jigsaw piece is missing...I feel sad for you, I know what it is like to have a furry jigsaw piece missing...x

~B said...

When you love deeply, you hurt deeply... Eventually the pain will fade, but like Bluesy, will never be forgotten.

You ask for so little, my love.. And now, one simple thing that brought so much pleasure to your life, has been taken away. I can't begin to understand why, but I do know that our little Blue knew how very loved he was.

I know the memories can't fill that empty place in your heart, nor your lap for morning coffee and evening TV, but we'll hold on to them - and him - all of our lives.

The kids and I love you very much, and grieve with you, deeply - with all of our hearts - which is the only way to love.


Donna said...

What a wonderful gift Brian has given you with his comment above.

I too know the pain of losing a beloved pet suddenly. My 7yr old dog, Jack (a wonderful standard poodle) was diagnosed with a brain tumor and put to sleep unexpectedly last month.

The four legs of our pet 'companions' hold so much unconditional love, so much pure joy, that their loss IS a physical wrenching away of some of the best life has to offer.

Know you're not alone; know that I'm praying for the day (for both of us) when memories will be a comfort and not just a sad reminder.

Anonymous said...

I can so feel your pain. I can relate to it so well. When you have a much loved pet, they are family. No matter what others may say when you love like I love it hurts more than anything when they are gone. And while the world is turning turning turning your life feels as though it has stopped. Thank goodness the axcess doesn't revolve around feelings. I just wanted to tell you to go ahead and grieve your loss. Go ahead and FEEL. Blue was worth every tear dropped. In time, he will be a warm spot in cold days. And you will love another but it'll never take Blue's love away. You are a person uniquely made to love with all you have. You just can't waste that precious gift.
Love you,
Mari Romanack

Ralph said...

The little guy always brought you pleasure far in excess of his stature. His lie was to please you, to be close to you - to love you and yours so much! A personality unlike any other, a true friend indeed. None of us can want to exist on memories alone, we wish the storyteller would regale us with his purr again. So sad...